


Broken

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Anger, Angst, Break Up, Dark fic, Depression, M/M, Overdose, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:14:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10905702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: Robert broke them when he slept with Rebecca, and now he has no one to put the pieces back together.





	1. Chapter 1

He didn't yell. That's what hurt the most. How incredibly calm he was, looking him in the eye, no anger or sadness or disgust, just emptiness staring back as he told him to get out. It was over. Robert had begged him, practically on his knees as he begged him not to end things, not to just throw away what they had, what they'd fought for,  
"I didn't. You did. The second you got into bed with her; you threw away everything. I'm done."  
He'd taken the ring off, placing it on the table before walking around Robert,  
"You'll be gone by tonight. That's not a question."  
He left him there then. In shock; Robert couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. He was gone. He'd actually done it, he'd screwed up everything he had, the one thing he had done right his whole life had just walked out. He couldn't even cry, his entire body was just numb; kneeling on the living room floor, their belongings around them, mocking him with a life that could've been. The only noise in his ear was the ticking of the clock, time moving on. Time without him. He looked over at the ring, sat on the table. He reached for it, gripping it tightly in his hand until the metal dug into his palm, leaving an ugly red mark against pale skin. He couldn't think, couldn't do anything but grip the piece of metal and try to breathe. 

"Why do you think he did it?"  
"I don't know...Aaron wouldn't talk about it."  
"I thought they were happy."  
"You know Robert. He's always two seconds away from screwing up."  
"Adam..."  
"I can't defend him, this Vic, Aaron is my best mate and he's destroyed. He's heartbroken and it's his fault."  
"I can't believe I thought she was a good person."  
"Yeah well...if I see her I'll have something to say."  
Robert closed his eyes and put his head back against the wall, he'd turned up on Vic's doorstep, having left his home with Aaron he had wandered about, wound up in town, and at the bottom of a whiskey glass or two. He had nowhere else to go. Had no friends he could turn to, no one. Aaron had been his life. His reason for existing. He had found his way to her house, knocking on the door and slurring apologies, she had taken him inside and he told her everything. Every detail. She'd been angry, yelled at him, he didn't care. Barely felt it, no words stung more than Aaron telling him it was over. He hadn't slept in days, he could hear Victoria and Adam talking most of the night, he ached, felt hollow, he wanted to talk to Aaron; to explain, to make excuses, he knew it wouldn't matter. Nothing would make it better. He never realised that feeling so empty, so hollow, could hurt so much. He could still hear them downstairs, Adam wasn't going to try and keep his voice down for Roberts benefit. He was sitting on the floor near the door, exhausted and broken. He couldn't stand it, couldn't stand the pain of the heartbreak. He ignored the tears as they fell and stared down at his hand, his wedding ring now an obvious weight on his hand. He twisted it around his finger, hate filling his body as he remembered Aaron's empty eyes. He'd done that to him, he'd taken the best person he had ever met and reduced him to nothing.   
"Dad was right. Everything I touch I ruin."  
He pulled his knees to his chest, hugging them tightly. He didn't know what to do. Nothing he said mattered, he couldn't charm his way out of this. Nothing he did could change what he had become. He hated himself, more than he had ever hated himself before. He remembered back, when he was nineteen and alone, when he had nothing, no one. He'd considered it then. There had been many times he'd regretted not choosing that path. It wouldn't be bad, everyone he loved hated him. They wouldn't miss him. He thought about Aaron, about his smile, his laugh, he wanted him happy, he knew that in order for that to happen he had to go, not just leave, he needed to know there was no chance he would come back, maybe then he would be able to move on. Be able to find someone who could love him properly. He listened out for Victoria, the house had gone quiet. She must have gone out, assuming he was still asleep. He closed his eyes for a moment only to be bombarded by images of Aaron. He opened them again; covering his mouth with his hand as he let himself break down completely.

Robert sat in the car and stared at the road. He had no intention of going anywhere, he just needed somewhere quiet. He stared down at his lap, a lack of sleep and the constant stabbing pain in his chest every time Aaron popped into his head was driving him mad. He put his head back and looked around; freezing when he saw the man walking, hands in his pockets and head down. Robert didn't think, he moved quickly, leaping from the car and practically running toward him,  
"Aaron? Aaron!"  
Aaron looked up, his features darkening when he saw him,  
"What do you want?"  
Robert caught up to him, Aaron seemingly refusing to stop,  
"Please, just talk to me. Aaron?"  
He reached for him, Aaron spinning around and pushing him away,  
"I have nothing to say to you!"  
Robert felt sick, all he wanted in the world was Aaron,  
"Aaron I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
Aaron scoffed,  
"Heard that before."  
"Please, I love you-"  
Robert reached for him again and Aaron pushed him hard, he stumbled back, landing with thump on the pavement,  
"Don't you get it? I hate you. I hate you so much I wish I never met you. We're over Robert. There's nothing left. You ruined it."  
Robert scrambled to his feet,  
"I know! And I hate myself for it."  
Aaron shoved him back,  
"Good. You disgust me. The thought of touching you after you had her, it makes me sick. You make me sick."  
Robert felt like he'd been punched,  
"Aaron-"  
"Just do one Robert. I don't care about you. I'm just grateful the marriage weren't legal. Far as I'm concerned you're dead to me."  
He turned on his heel and left, leaving Robert alone in the street. He stepped back, swallowing hard as he tried to keep his emotions under control. He watched Aaron walk away and wrapped his arms around himself. He looked around, hoping no one had seen their exchange and headed back toward Victoria's before changing his mind and getting back in the car. He gripped the steering wheel, his breath coming in short bursts as he tried to process everything that had just happened. Even in their lowest ebbs he had never seen Aaron's eyes so empty. He gasped, a sob bubbling up until he couldn't control it anymore. He broke down, ugly tears fell down his face as he sobbed. He pushed shaking hands through his hair and sniffed hard, he hated it, hated the guilt, hated the pain in his chest, hated the way Aaron looked at him, hated the smug smile on Rebecca's face every time she saw him, he hated the way he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. He was broken, completely shattered and it wasn't going to get better. Every time he thought about what he'd lost he wanted to throw up. He hated himself, even looking in the mirror was hard, he hated the man that looked back at him.   
"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this."  
He needed relief, needed to take the pain away, anything would do. He wanted to scream; to claw at his skin and let everything out until his lungs burned and he couldn't stand. A feeling he didn't know twisted inside him, an idea building, like a thirst, a craving. He climbed from the car; didn't look around, didn't think, just walked. He entered the house, went to the kitchen and opened a drawer.   
"I'm pregnant. It's yours. I'm keeping it. I'm sorry. I hate you. You're nothing. You're nothing. I don't want you. It's over. Don't talk to me. I'm pregnant. It's yours. I'm keeping it. It's over. I hate you."  
He walked up the stairs and into the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the bath and pulled his jacket off. The world around him silent, the voices in his head repeating their twisted lullaby over and over. He pulled his sleeve up; clenched his fist tightly,  
"I hate you. It's over. Don't talk to me. You disgust me. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."  
The second the blade sliced his skin the voices stopped. He stared down at his arm, blood blooming to the surface and slowly building before trickling slowly down his skin. He dropped the knife, a clatter on a hard floor as he slid down beside it. He dropped his head back, closing his eyes and letting out a slow breath. He opened his eyes again and looked at his arm, a perfect line through flawless skin. Drying blood, and a twisted pleasure in his gut. He understood in that moment, Aaron wasn't weak. He was smart. He knew how to shut it up. He ran the pad of his thumb over the cut, pulling fresh blood to the surface, a searing pain that woke him from his daydream. It was no longer a twisted pleasure in his stomach. He retched; lurching forward and throwing up into the toilet bowl. Gripping the porcelain tightly, the action forcing more blood from his body. He coughed, reaching up for the toilet roll and pulling some off, pressing it against his arm and clambering to sit on the edge of the bath again.   
"Fuck...fuck fuck fuck."  
He curled up on himself, holding his arm to his body as he shivered. The hollow feeling he'd been living with was gone, replaced with guilt, a sickness that he couldn't shake. He closed his eyes tightly, rocking slightly as he tried to calm himself. He opened his eyes, reaching down and grabbing the knife before he stood slowly. He flushed the toilet, unlocked the door and left the bathroom. He went straight to his bedroom, opened the bedside table and put the knife inside. He didn't think. Just pulled the duvet back, climbed into the bed and curled into foetal position, holding his throbbing arm to his chest as he began to cry.

The footsteps on the wood made him look up,  
"Came here to be alone."  
He'd been doing okay. He'd only had to cut a few times in the four days that had passed. A run in with Chas however had set him back and he needed it. He couldn't get in the house, too many people about, couldn't get to his blade. Instead he had pocketed a lighter and headed to the bridge. Staring at the water had calmed him somewhat only now Victoria was there. Making his world noisy once again. She stood close to him, too close, he wanted her gone.   
"I was worried about you. You just left."  
He sniffed,   
"Yeah well...didn't exactly feel welcome."  
She looked at him,  
"Is this because of Chas? Because of what she said?"  
He winced at the memory,  
"Don't need reminding of it, thanks."  
"You are just a waste of space, no one wants you here. Do everyone a favour and disappear."  
He looked down at the water, her words ringing his ear, the burn of knowing how true her words were hurt more than the cut on his arm that he dug his nails into the second she left. He dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a plastic lighter, twirling it between his fingers,  
"Why do you have that? You don't smoke."  
He looked down at it, he'd found it in the car, must have been Aaron's, he'd kept it in his pocket for days, lighting it and fighting the urge to hold it to his skin,  
"Thinking about taking it up."  
Victoria pulled a face,  
"Why? Those things will kill you."  
He shrugged,  
"Maybe that's why. Speed it all up a bit."  
She clicked her tongue,  
"Robert...come on."  
He didn't look at her, but he felt her, stepping up beside him and moving his arm to wrap her own around his middle and hug him,  
"It'll get better."  
He didn't answer, he didn't believe her. Not for a second. He stared out at the water, and he counted the seconds until she left. 

It didn't bother him anymore, the not sleeping. Almost every night was spent that way, laying for hours, staring at the ceiling before sitting up, swinging his legs around and letting them dangle from the bed. The silence of the house gave him nothing but a twisted gut as the voices grew louder. It had been a bad day; he had gone to the cafe to get a coffee before driving to Leeds for a meeting. She had been in there, talking loudly about how she couldn't wait to hold her child. How she didn't need anyone. How she finally got all she ever wanted. He had tried, had clenched his jaw to the point of pain as he waited for his drink; grabbing it and leaving. The urge to hurt himself was growing inside him. He ached to talk to Aaron. He wanted to tell him. Wanted him to tell him it was okay. His eyes burned as the loneliness inside him grew. He made it to his car and stared down at the coffee in his hand. He'd never escape it; never be able to shut it out, never stop the burning regret inside him, the shattering of his heart every morning, the painful loneliness every night. He needed relief. He opened the coffee and stared into the steaming black liquid; he didn't think it through, just plunged two fingers straight into the cup, the searing pain clearing his mind instantly. He closed his eyes, his toes curling in his shoes as he fought to keep his fingers in for as long as he could. He let out a long breath, the pain slowly ebbing away until he couldn't feel it anymore. Relief flooded his body as he opened his eyes. He pulled his fingers from the cup and looked at them, pink skin against the pale of the other fingers gave him a thrill. He wanted more. He wanted scars, a constant reminder of what he'd done. The silence around him shifted, real life came back and the guilt set in. With shaky hands he put the lid back on the coffee and set it in the cup holder. He exhaled slowly, gripping the steering wheel tightly. He had a meeting to go to, work still needed to be done. He swallowed the lump in his throat, closing his eyes for a second then reaching to turn the engine on. He opened his eyes just in time to see her crossing the road, she glanced up, meeting his eye with a smug smirk on her lips as she put a hand to her stomach. Robert gripped the wheel tightly, looked away for a second then clenched his jaw as he drove away. 

He didn't know what set it off; why he could make it through the meeting absolutely fine; except for the one comment about how he was looking tired. He was okay. Until he got into the car, then it all hit him at once. The deal had gone well, he'd bought in another client. He had reached for his phone only to remember he had no one to call and suddenly it all hit him. Now he was sitting in a deserted car park, his hands in his lap and his body exhausted. The occasional tear still falling from his eyes as he stared out at the town before him. He blinked, no energy left to turn on the engine and drive home. He didn't want to. He wanted it to stop. Wanted the pain to end. His body moved, no longer in control; his fingers pressed against the hard plastic of the lighter, pushing it in and then turning the engine to switch it on. He waited, staring out at the front of the car, his mind desperately searching for a peaceful place until he heard the click as the lighter popped up again. He swallowed, removing his jacket and rolling his sleeve up to his elbow. His skin was littered, tiny nicks and the occasional longer cut, bruises and scrapes. He clenched his fist, stretching his arm out he grabbed the lighter and pressed the red hot metal against his skin. He lurched forward, pushing it harder into his arm as he cried out. He gritted his teeth and groaned in pain, pushing his head into the steering wheel and breathing heavily. Tears streamed down his cheeks as his head prickled, the pain causing him to sweat. He sat back slowly, pulling the lighter away and replacing it before looking at his arm. He gasped slightly at the clear white circle, surrounded by angry red flesh. He touched the mark, the skin looked loose, like it was wet and wrinkled. The pain hadn't set in yet. He knew it would. He knew it would blister and it would throb every time he moved his arm, a constant reminder of what he did. What he was. He would be able to see it, be able to dig a nail into it and feel the sharp pain rip through him again. It would centre him. Keep him from making fresh ones for a while. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the calmness washed over him. He opened his eyes slowly, taking his time to relax before pulling his sleeve back down, and driving home.

Adam was reading the paper when he got in. He put the key on the side, holding his injured arm up against himself and gripping the counter with his other hand, head dipped and breaths short. The pain was becoming almost unbearable. He wanted to cry, wanted to scream it away,  
"Alright?"  
He stood straight, clenching his jaw to keep his face straight,  
"Fine."  
He turned, reaching into the cupboard for a glass,  
"Look mate, I know you're Vics brother and that..."  
Robert gulped down a mouthful of water,  
"And?"  
Adam leant against the counter,  
"What's your plan? I mean...you're not staying here forever."  
He looked over at Adam,  
"I can't exactly go to The Mill can I?"  
Adam folded his arms,  
"No. Suppose not. But while you're here, I can't see my best mate."  
He looked at the sink, his head burning as he tried to keep himself calm,  
"I don't wanna be here anymore than you want me. Okay? I know you hate me. I know he...I know he hates me."  
He put the glass down, suddenly just wanting to get away,  
"I'll be gone soon as I can."  
He pushed past Adam,  
"Mate..."  
He didn't stop, he headed up the stairs to his room. Closing and locking the door and then taking his jacket off slowly. He rolled his sleeve up, his stomach dropping at the sight of the burn, now a large blister, yellow and angry, the skin around it a deep red. He felt sick, guilt and shame stabbing at him until he couldn't breathe. He sat heavily on the bed, gripping the sheets and rocking slightly as he tried to keep from crying. He was tired; an exhaustion that began deep in his bones. He didn't want to do it anymore, didn't want to hurt, didn't want to wake alone, didn't want to miss Aaron anymore. He wanted it to end. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.   
"You could do it. You could end it all. It'd be easy."  
For the first time in a long time, the voice in his head was his own. He looked around the small room, the lump in his throat growing painfully as he thought it through. He knew he had to be smart, he couldn't just leave, couldn't leave a mess behind him for others to sort out. He let out a shaky breath and looked down at his hand again, at the ring that sat there, clenching his fist and swallowing hard, he knew it would be better this way, to let Aaron move on and be happy, to let everyone move on. He should've done it years before- he knew that. He felt an odd wave of calm rush over him, he'd made the decision. He had nothing else left to lose. The world around him slowed down, the crushing weight on his chest seemed lighter all of a sudden, he could breathe for the first time in weeks. He closed his eyes; gripped the sheets tightly, and he began to make his plan.

The solicitor was the easy part. He got his paperwork in order; a new will. Signing his share of the scrapyard back to Adam and Aaron, and his share of Home James. He had that one sorted so that Victoria would receive the money. He would be involved in name only. The house was already in Aaron's name, he had no worries there. His other investments were taken care of, he'd cashed in everything he could, put it in Victoria or Liv's name; he wanted them to be taken care of. All of that took three days. Three days of his heart aching as he knew it was coming to an end.   
"Why are you here?"  
He'd been at the yard for a couple of hours, trying to sort everything out that he could. He hadn't heard Aaron pull up, but when the door opened and he walked in, Robert almost jumped to his feet,  
"Aaron."  
Aaron dropped his gloves on the desk and picked up the pile of letters,  
"H-how are you?"  
He didn't answer him, it hurt Robert, a pain deep inside that he couldn't fix,  
"Please talk to me."  
Aaron clenched his jaw, sorting the letters out and turning to the file cabinet,  
"Aaron? Come on you can't just ignore me."  
He jumped as Aaron slammed the drawer shut,  
"You don't learn do you?! I don't...want to talk to you."  
Robert climbed to his feet,  
"Aaron, please -"  
"SHUT UP. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP."  
He rubbed his face,  
"I'm sorry."  
Aaron looked at him and scoffed,  
"Sorry? Y-you're sorry? Okay. Okay what for? Hmm? For screwing her three weeks after we got married or for lying about it? How about for the Baby? Hm? You sorry about that? You sorry about how you broke us? You...you broke me?"  
Robert looked down,  
"I tried to tell you at the prison."  
Aaron looked at him incredulously,  
"You tried to tell me. Tried? What, when my mum cut you off? And what? Another opportunity just never came up?"  
He looked at him, everything hurting as he tried to find the words,  
"I hate myself for hurting you, Aaron. I hate myself. Every second of every day."  
Aaron folded his arms and raised his eyebrows,  
"Well poor you. I'm so sorry you're hurting because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants for two minutes."  
Robert rubbed his face,  
"That's not-I didn't...you have no idea how hard it's been. How all I want in the entire world is you. Just you. And-and I thought I'd lost you. I thought it was over-"  
"Well it is now."  
He shook his head slightly,  
"Please stop saying that. Please."  
Aaron looked him up and down,  
"Go on then. You obviously have more to say."  
Robert looked away,  
"I was an arsehole. I-I got drunk and I slept with her because...because I needed to feel something, anything other than the pain of losing you. I was hurting and I wanted to hurt you...I didn't care...I don't even remember it."  
Aaron let out a laugh,  
"Oh that's brilliant. That's brilliant, all this. Years we've had and you can't even remember?"  
Robert winced, looking away and suddenly wishing he could leave.  
"I hate you Robert. I hate you. And to be honest, I don't care what happened. I don't. Because it's your fault. As always, you screwed it up and now you have to live with it."  
Robert looked at him, eyes glassy,  
"I can't live without you Aaron. I can't do it."  
Aaron walked over, his whole body thrumming with anger,  
"Then do everyone a favour, and die."  
He grabbed his gloves and left Robert standing in shock. He looked down at the floor, his vision blurring. He sniffed, grabbed his car keys and left. Striding across the yard, unable to look at Aaron as he moved past him for fear of breaking down completely. He climbed into the car, started the engine, and he drove. 

The vodka burned as it went down; Robert liked it, a nice change from the emptiness he'd been feeling. He looked out at the water, a gentle lapping against the rocks was the only sound around him. He wondered if the car was still down there, still at the bottom of the lake. He took a drink, wincing slightly and looking around, he remembered every detail of that day, every second was logged in his brain.   
"Robert I am not letting you die because of me."  
He looked out at the water, he'd do anything to go back to that day, to do it all again, to change every move he made after that. His phone vibrated in his pocket, he pulled it out and opened the message. An offer from a company. He shoved the phone back in his pocket and rubbed his face. No one had called him, no one had text. He'd been gone for hours and no one had noticed. He found himself feeling angry, he was a brother, a step son, a friend, and no one even cared. He muttered under his breath and took another drink,  
"You're not a disappointment. You're amazing."  
Robert scoffed, his eyes blurring,  
"No I'm not."  
He sighed, pushing a hand through his hair,  
"God I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry"  
He sniffed, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and took a few breaths.   
"Tomorrow."  
He nodded to himself,  
"Tomorrow."  
He let out a long breath, taking another gulp of the burning liquor, and he looked out at the water.

The headache didn't bother him when he woke up. He sat up slowly and listened; he could hear the birds outside, the sound of the radio as Victoria moved about downstairs. He could hear the shower going, Adam was getting ready for work. He stood slowly, grabbing a jumper and pulling it on before reaching for a pair of jeans. He pulled them on and glanced at the mirror, unable to quite meet his own eye, his gaze fell instead on the small pile of envelopes on his dresser. One letter for each person he needed to explain to. He swallowed and looked away, pulling at his shirt then leaving the room and heading down the stairs. He stood in the doorway and watched Victoria for a minute as she danced to the music and made breakfast. He couldn't help smiling, she'd grown into the woman her mum would be proud of. He was proud of her. He bit his lip, his stomach twisting with nerves, he hoped she didn't mourn too long. He knew that Adam would take care of her, and Diane. He knew she would be okay, he couldn't stand it if she wasn't,  
"Coffee?"  
He was taken from his thoughts by her voice,  
"Hmm?"  
She smiled at him, the same smile she'd had since she was a baby. His baby sister. He walked over, pulling her in and wrapping his arms around her.  
"Oh....you okay?"  
He nodded; holding her closer as she gripped his shirt,  
"I love you, Vic. You know that don't you?"  
She paused,  
"Yeah...yeah of course I do. I love you too."  
He buried his face in her hair, breathing her in, holding her tightly until she pulled away,  
"Are you okay?"  
He ran his fingers through her hair,  
"You're so beautiful Vic. Inside and out, you're amazing."  
She frowned slightly,  
"Robert?"  
He smiled gently,  
"Mum would be proud of you. I know I am."  
She rubbed his arms,  
"Rob you're scaring me."  
He met her eye,  
"No...no don't be...I just...I had weird dreams. I just...I need to tell you I love you. Okay? Don't ever forget that."  
She shook her head,  
"I won't."  
She pulled him in for a hug,  
"I love you too."  
He clenched his jaw tightly, squeezing his eyes shut and holding her for a moment longer before relaxing his face and pulling back,  
"I have a meeting this morning. I'm gonna get changed and go."  
She rubbed his arms slowly,  
"Okay...do you wanna meet up for lunch?"  
He smiled gently,  
"You have work."  
She paused then shrugged,  
"Tea then."  
He tucked her hair behind her ear,  
"Yeah. Sounds great."  
He leaned in, pressing his lips to her forehead and lingering a moment before stepping away and heading to the door,  
"I gotta get ready. Big day today."  
He turned, heading back up the stairs and shutting himself in the bedroom. He clamped a hand over his mouth and slid down the wood onto the floor, balling his hands into fists and letting himself cry for a only a few seconds before wiping his eyes. He looked up at the suit he had hung up the night before. It was almost time. He climbed to his feet, wiped his eyes again and walked over to it. He ran his fingers along the material and took a deep breath before getting it down and beginning to change.

He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there; staring out at the water, the sunlight sparkling on the surface. He blinked, he wandered if the water was cold. He could remember everything from that day but he couldn't remember if the water was cold. He guessed it must have been, but he had no recollection of it. He ran his thumb along the bottom of the steering wheel, he loved that car, loved driving it, loved the memories in it, loved remembering Aaron's warm hand on his thigh as he drove them somewhere. The radio playing some cheesy pop song that was on every station as Aaron smiled and laughed. He closed his eyes, sitting back against the chair and taking a moment before opening them and looking over at the passenger seat. For the last few days he'd been going to every chemist he saw and buying what he needed. They sat in a bag now; packet after packet of white pills. Enough to do the job. Next to the bag sat two bottles of whiskey, he bought the one he liked, figured one last drink should be the one he wanted. He also bought a bottle of milk, having read it was the smart thing to do when taking an overdose to keep from throwing it all up again straight away. He picked up the milk, staring down at it for a moment. He'd covered all bases, the letters were spread out on the bed, each addressed, each explaining what he needed to say. He had rewritten Aaron's letter so many times it no longer made sense. He didn't leave that one with the others. He had that one with him. It was the longest of them all; four pages, both sides, explaining everything that could possibly need to be said. He put his head back and swallowed. It was getting late. Victoria would be expecting him in an hour or so, he needed to be gone by then. He sighed, opening the milk and taking a few deep drinks. He coughed, wiping his mouth and then drinking more. He drank until he drained the bottle then coughed again, chucking the bottle into the back seat he grabbed the bag and pulled out the first pack of pills. He felt his eyes begin to burn- tears that wanted to fall. He took a deep breath, popping the pills, one by one, into his hand before reaching for the whiskey, he looked out at the water, thinking about how it really did look beautiful, he unscrewed the lid, took a breath and put the first pill into his mouth.

The car was spinning, so fast he couldn't lift his head properly. The sky outside had grown dark, he had no idea how much time had gone by, everything was moving in slow motion. The air was hot, too hot, pulling at his skin and making him feel sick. He fumbled; his hands not working as he wanted them to. Opening the door; he fell from the car, slamming hard onto the gravel and laying there for a moment before attempting to lift his head. His phone rang again, he tried to reach it but couldn't; he felt like he was stuck in mud, everything moving too slowly. He tried to sit up against the car, pulling himself slowly into a sitting position and looking out at the water. He blinked slowly, a smile finding his lips as he thought about Aaron.   
His phone rang again. He moved slowly, swallowing repeatedly as he tried to free his phone from his pocket. He took a moment; his eyes closing as the phone stopped ringing. He felt himself drift away, the world growing silent until the phone rang once more. He forced his eyes open, lifting it up and making himself focus on the screen. He saw Aaron's name and lifted it to his ear, his head falling back against the car door,  
"'Ron?"  
His voice sounded far away, Robert wondered if he should shout,  
"Robert where are you? Robert? Can you hear me?"  
Robert dropped his head,  
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."  
"Robert? Just tell me where you are. It's gonna be okay."  
His voice had changed, he sounded scared,  
"I wrote you a letter."  
He scrunched his nose up,  
"I fucked everything up...I fucked it all up."  
"Where are you?"  
He let out a broken sob,  
"I just wanted you. Just you."  
"It's okay Robert, please just tell me where you are."  
Robert sniffed,  
"I can't...'thout telling you...you're free now...you can...you can be happy."  
It was becoming hard to keep the phone up, he wanted to sleep, everything in his body was screaming for it.   
"I just want you to be happy...cos you can be h-happy. Happy now."  
His voice was slurred, but he couldn't stop it, he couldn't keep it together,  
"Robert where are you?"  
He couldn't open his eyes, they were too heavy,  
"S'lake...lake."  
"Lake? Robert what lake? Robert talk to me."  
"So beautiful."  
He couldn't do anymore, his hand was dropping as sleep began to take over,  
"M'sorry."  
"Robert?"  
The world was going dark, he could faintly hear Aaron shouting his name down the phone as a piercing ring in his ears began. His arm dropped; the phone hitting the ground as his eyes shut.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Genuinely sorry for how long this is...

 

Victoria had run into the pub screaming for Aaron; shoving the letter she had found on his bed into the man's hand as she desperately tried to get Robert on the phone. As soon as Aaron read the first few lines of the letter he was distraught. Four phone calls until he finally got through to him. The moment he hung up he was out the door, Victoria on the phone to the police and ambulance as Aaron ran to his car. Aaron had never driven so fast in his life, with Chas in the front seat shouting at him to slow down they made it to the lake, he figured it out fast, there was only one lake that he could think Robert would go to. As soon as they turned up and saw his car, he skidded to a stop and was opening the door and running before he even turned the engine off. Robert was against the car; slumped forward, his phone on the gravel beside him. Aaron fell to his knees, pulling the man's head up to look at him. He was completely white, eyes closed and vomit on his chin and neck, a pool of vomit lay in his lap, covering his front. Aaron pulled him down, laying him on his back and wiping the sick away from his mouth before leaning in to listen if he was breathing. He cupped his face, smacking his cheeks gently,  
"Robert? Robert open your eyes. Please...please open your eyes. Come on. Come on."  
He shook the man,  
"ROBERT."  
His skin was cold, Aaron was panicking,   
"Mum?"  
Chas was on the phone, frantically talking to the ambulance,  
"They're on the way, Baby, it's okay."  
Aaron looked down at Robert, he pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so sorry. Please. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me."  
He sat there, rocking him in his arms with his lips to his head as he begged him to wake up,  
"Aaron? Aaron?"  
He was shaking, he couldn't stop,  
"He's cold. He's cold."  
Chas knelt down beside him, pressing her fingers to Robert's throat,  
"We need to lay him flat, if he's not breathing we need to try and get him okay? They're on the way."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"I can't. I can't."  
Chas pulled Aaron back,  
"Aaron. If you don't. He will die."  
That shocked him, like a slap in the face, he nodded,  
"Yeah. Yeah."  
He laid Robert down flat,  
"You need to check his breathing."  
She was still on the phone, the woman on the other end telling her what to do. Aaron put his ear to Robert's mouth and nodded,  
"He is...he is. A bit. Mum I don't know what to do. I DON'T KNOW."  
Chas nodded, guiding him through what to do, looking out for the ambulance as Aaron tilted Robert's head to clear his airway,  
"Put him on his side, he might be sick again."  
The world was silent around Aaron as he did as he was told. All that mattered was keeping Robert alive, he pulled his jacket off and covered the man,  
"Please wake up. Please. Please."  
He didn't hear them arrive, barely felt as they pulled him away, got Robert on the stretcher and attached the oxygen mask,  
"What's his name."  
"R-Robert. It's Robert. Robert Sugden...."  
"Robert can you hear me sweetheart? Can you open your eyes?"  
The paramedic looked at them both,  
"Do you know what he's taken?"  
Aaron couldn't speak, could only stare at the man as they tried to get oxygen into his lungs. Chas did the talking for him,  
"We don't know. He left a note."  
The paramedic nodded, speaking into her radio and heading to the ambulance,  
"Go with him. I'll follow."  
He nodded dumbly, climbing into the ambulance and sitting in stunned silence as he gripped his hand, his wedding ring pressing into Aaron's palm, leaving a mark. He stared at the man, too scared to even cry, unable to remember the exact colour of his eyes, terrified he'd never see them again. He squeezed his hand more tightly, silently praying to whoever he could think of for Robert to just open his eyes, just crack them open and look at him.   
"Please please please please please."  
There were more doctors when they arrived; it was loud, bright lights were flashing and then he was running through the doors with him, doctors pushing the stretcher along, someone was shouting about stomach pumps, he heard charcoal, suicide, dead, help, help, help. He was stopped at the door,  
"You need to wait here. He needs our help."  
"Please don't let him die. Please please help him."  
The nurse guided him to a seat before running through the doors. And he was alone.

"I don't understand."  
He hadn't spoken since the others arrived, had barely even looked at them. Chas was there moments after he was, gripping his hand and rubbing his back. Victoria and Adam were next, then Diane. Cain showed up later. They were moved into a family room after the doctor came out to say that they were pumping his stomach.   
"What's that, love?"  
He blinked, staring at the door until his eyes blurred then blinking and starting again,  
"I don't understand...why would he want to..."  
He couldn't bring himself to say it. Couldn't think about it. He put his head in his hands and tried to breathe,  
"Robert Sugden's family?"  
He lifted his head and jumped to his feet as the doctor walked in,  
"Is he okay?"  
Victoria's voice was broken and the doctor gave her a sympathetic smile,  
"I'm Dr Evans, I've been treating him. He's alive. We pumped his stomach, he'd taken...quite a large amount of painkillers. He hasn't woken up yet, we've had to put him on a ventilator to help with his breathing."  
Diane rubbed Victoria's shoulder,  
"He's not breathing?"  
The doctor gestured for them to sit down, sitting himself in the seat opposite,  
"He went into cardiac arrest shortly after he came in. We managed to get get him back, but he was finding it hard to breath. Once we pumped his stomach he was intubated fully. That's how he is now. He's in a medically induced coma, once we're sure he has no significant damage to his liver or brain, we will be bringing him out of it."  
Chas looked at the doctor,  
"What happens then?"  
She looked at the others quickly,  
"I'm his mother in law."  
The doctor gave her a smile,  
"He'll be admitted to the psychiatric ward, he'll be kept in what we call a tank. He'll have a sitter- someone who stays with him twenty four hours a day until we can see he's no harm to himself."  
Victoria chewed her lip and looked away,  
"So it was a suicide attempt then?"  
The doctor hesitated,   
"Until we can actually talk to Mr Sugden, we can't say for definite but the evidence is there."  
He reached into his pocket,  
"Who's Aaron? If I can ask?"  
Aaron looked up; he'd been staring steadily at his hands the whole time,  
"Me. I'm...that's me."  
The doctor stood up, taking an envelope from his pocket,  
"This was in his pocket, addressed to Aaron."  
He handed him the envelope,  
"I'm sorry I can't tell you more right now."  
"Can we see him?"  
The doctor shoved his hands into his pockets,  
"He's being moved into intensive care right now. Hang tight, and the nurse will be along to take you. It'll be direct family at the moment, you're his..."  
Victoria pointed to herself,  
"Sister."  
She pointed to Diane,  
"Mum-step mum."  
She pointed at Aaron,  
"Husband."  
The doctor nodded,  
"That'll be fine."  
His pager went off and he grabbed it,  
"I'm sorry I have to dash. Please just relax, he's in the best place now."  
He gave them another smile then left them alone. Victoria sat heavily,  
"I can't believe it."  
Aaron stared down at the envelope, ignoring his mum as she rubbed his arm gently,  
"You okay?"  
He shook his head,  
"No."  
He shook her away,  
"I need some air."  
Cain stood,  
"Want some company?"  
He didn't answer. He left the room, still gripping the envelope in his hand, his strides turning into a run as he made his way through the hospital and out of the front door; the world becoming too much, his heart banging in his chest and his mind screaming at him,  
"Do everyone a favour and die."  
He felt his stomach lurch, saliva filled his mouth and he ran round the corner, gripping the cold brick and doubling over as he threw up. He stayed, bent over, drool falling from his mouth and tears streaming down his cheeks. He lifted a shaky hand, wiping his mouth and then spitting onto the floor before standing straight. He moved; leaning against the wall then sliding down until he was on the floor; his legs stretched out before himself as he put his head in his hands and sobbed.

"Aaron? We've been looking everywhere for you."  
Chas sat beside him slowly; he'd moved from the floor and across to the garden out at the front of the hospital. He'd stared at the envelope for nearly twenty minutes before opening it,  
"Victoria and Diane have gone in to see him."  
Aaron nodded and Chas rubbed his back,  
"You want to come in?"  
He stared down at the letter in his hand before looking at Chas; her worry at his red, puffy eyes obvious on her face,  
"He meant to do it. He wanted to kill himself."  
He shrugged slightly, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks,  
"And it's my fault."  
Chas pulled him in; wrapping her arms around him,  
"It's not your fault."  
He squeezed his eyes shut, sobs breaking through him.   
"It is...it...I was so angry at him."  
He sat up and wiped his eyes,  
"I was so angry. And I told him that. That he meant nothing. That we were done."  
He rubbed his face,  
"He told me he couldn't live without me. And you know what I said?"  
He met her eye,  
"I told him to do everyone a favour and die."  
His voice cracked and he looked down,  
"He tried to kill himself because he wanted me to be free of him."  
He handed her the letter and pushed his hands through his hair,  
"He cheated and I was angry...I didn't see the signs. I should've. I should've seen...but I was just wrapped up in my own anger and hate that I needed to lash out. He never got to see that I-I still love him."  
He looked at Chas, the woman lifting her eyes as she read the letter,  
"I still love him. There was still a chance for us to make this up and be happy and I never told him. He must've thought that there was no going back. He hated himself so much that he was willing to die. And I told him to do it."  
Chas put the letter down and gripped Aaron,  
"No. No okay? You're not doing this, you're not blaming yourself. Robert...Robert clearly has some issues he needs to work on. You didn't do this to him, it's not your fault."  
Aaron looked at her, wide eyes and tear stained cheeks,  
"He could die...and he would've died thinking I feel nothing but hate."  
Chas pulled him in, hugging him tightly,  
"It's okay."  
Aaron gripped her tightly,  
"What if I lose him? What do I do?"  
Chas didn't answer, she had no words, she just held him tightly, closed her eyes and tried to calm him down.

"Here."  
Diane smiled gratefully up at Aaron as he handed her the cup,  
"Thank you, pet."  
Aaron sat heavily on a chair and rubbed his face before yawning,  
"Why don't you go home? Get some rest?"  
Aaron shook his head; it had been three days. Three days of watching Robert sleep. Of pacing the halls as they waited for news, three days of tests and hushed conversations between doctors and nurses. Victoria was in the room with him, as she had been since he came in, holding his hand and talking to him. Aaron hadn't been alone with him, he couldn't bear it, couldn't look at the man in the bed and not want to throw up as the guilt ate away at him,  
"Has the doctor been round again?"  
Diane shook her head as she took a sip of tea,  
"No. Not yet."  
Aaron nodded as he sat back and stared up at the ceiling,  
"Where's your mum?"  
Aaron looked at her,  
"She went home. Had to sort a delivery. She'll be back later she said. Might bring Liv...if that's okay? She's been asking for him."  
Diane smiled, reaching over and squeezing his hand,  
"I'm sure he'd love to see her."  
She then paused before meeting Aaron's eye,  
"You know what I mean."  
Aaron gave a small smile,  
"He loves you Aaron. You know that don't you?"  
Aaron bit his lip and looked away,  
"Sorry."  
He rubbed his nose and stood up,  
"It's fine."  
He started to pace; feeling Diane's eyes on him the whole time. They both stopped as the door opened, breathing a sigh of relief when they saw it was just Chas,  
"Just me."  
She put a bag down on a seat,  
"Any word?"  
Diane shook her head,  
"Not yet. The doctors are coming by at about eleven."  
Chas nodded as she took her coat off,  
"I bought him some stuff. Music...book...some clothes."  
Diane smiled gently,  
"He'll appreciate that."  
Aaron didn't answer, he looked out the window, his mind wandering until Chas put her hand on his arm,  
"You don't need to make any decisions....but I thought you might want this."  
She opened her hand to reveal Aaron's wedding ring. He looked from the ring to her face and swallowed,  
"Thank you."  
He picked up the ring, turning it in his fingers then shoving it in his pocket. Chas rubbed his arm, kissing his shoulder then turning back to Diane,  
"Where's Vic?"  
Aaron didn't listen to the answer, he stared out of the window and clenched his jaw, subtly wiping his eyes as he began to tear up. He let out a long breath and then stood straight,  
"I'm gonna just..."  
Chas straightened up,  
"You okay?"  
He nodded as he slipped from the room. He walked down the hallway toward intensive care. He slowed to almost a stop as he came up to Robert's room; looking in through the window, watching Victoria as she read to Robert from the paper, one hand gripping his tightly as she looked from the paper to his face. Aaron hated it, he looked just as he had when he was shot, a tube in his mouth and another up his nose. His skin was pale, whiter than usual, the bruising around the drip attached to his hand was obvious, almost black against his skin. Aaron looked away before taking a few breaths and knocking on the door. Victoria smiled at him,  
"Hi."  
Aaron closed the door behind himself and shoved his hands in his pockets,  
"Hi...he um...he okay?"  
Victoria looked at Robert again, reaching up and running her fingers through his hair,  
"He's doing good."  
Aaron nodded, looking down as Victoria stood up and leant over to kiss Robert's forehead,  
"I'll leave you two."  
Aaron opened his mouth to argue but Victoria spoke over him,  
"I need a drink anyway. Read to him...it seems to be working."  
Aaron nodded, taking the paper she passed him and watching her leave. He looked over at Robert, his stomach twisting with nerves he couldn't explain. He sat slowly in the chair and looked up at the screen, the steady beeping of the heart monitor providing a reassuring soundtrack. He watched it for a moment then looked at Robert, sitting in silence as he stared at the man.   
"I don't know what to say..."  
He looked down at his hands, twisting them together,  
"Been here before. You in a coma and me...me hurt and angry."  
He looked at Robert again,  
"Only this time I'd do anything to have you wake up."  
He looked down again,  
"I'm sorry. Robert."  
He looked at him,   
"I'm sorry you felt you had to do this...I don't wish that feeling on anyone."  
He reached for the man's hand, hesitating for a moment then taking it in his, his eyes falling on the wounds on his arms, he winced slightly when he caught sight of the burn,  
"I don't hate you."  
He looked at his face,  
"I don't hate you."  
He looked down at their hands,  
"I was just angry...I was just...so angry."  
He used his free hand to wipe his eyes and sniffed,  
"How could you do that to us? Just throw it away for her?"  
He looked down, letting out a long breath,  
"I don't wanna lose you Robert. Seeing you like that...seeing how close I was t-to losing you it...it hurt worse than anything."  
He squeezed his hand,  
"You need to wake up."  
He chewed his lip, tears threatening to fall,  
"Please wake up. I wanna sort this out."  
He pulled away and jumped to his feet as the door opened,  
"Oh, sorry. I was just coming to take his vitals."  
Aaron wiped his eyes,  
"It's fine."  
He pushed past the nurse, ignoring her as she asked if he was okay, and he left.

Chas put her hand on Aaron's knee; stopping him from bouncing it up and down. He looked at her,  
"Sorry."  
She rubbed it and gave a small smile,  
"They said it was common. A reaction to the drugs. There's nothing...oh you have got to be kidding me."  
Aaron looked up, scowling at the sight of Rebecca walking down the hallway. Chas climbed to her feet,  
"What do you want?"  
Rebecca slowed to a stop, wrapping her arms around her self,  
"I just want to talk."  
Cain stood next,  
"We don't want you here. Do one."  
She ignored him, looking at Aaron,  
"Aaron I'm so sorry."  
Aaron looked up at her,  
"Why are you here?"  
She stepped closer,  
"I never meant for it to end up like this. I never..."  
She wiped her cheeks,  
"If I knew he was gonna do something like this I never would've let it get this far."  
Aaron stood up slowly,  
"What do you mean? Let what get too far?"  
She took a breath and Aaron clenched his fist,  
"Rebecca?!"  
She shut her eyes as she spoke,  
"Roberts not the father."  
Aaron froze and Cain looked at Rebecca,  
"Sure of that are you?"  
She took a moment then looked at him,  
"Be pretty hard for him to be."  
She met Aaron's eye again,  
"I'm...not pregnant."  
Aaron clenched his jaw, struggling to keep his breathing steady. Chas was the next one to speak,  
"What did you say?"  
Rebecca looked down,  
"I just...I wanted to hurt him and I honestly thought I was. It was a-a false positive."  
She looked away and Aaron wet his lips before speaking,  
"But it could've been his?"  
She looked at him,  
"He was horrible. The next day he was so...adamant that it was a mistake...that he didn't want me, he just wanted you. And I hated him. He used me to get back at you and-"  
"Rebecca what did you do?"  
She looked down, shaking her head. Chas pushed her arm,  
"Answer him."  
She lifted her head, looking up at the ceiling before looking at Aaron,  
"I'm sorry."  
He stepped closer,  
"What did you do?"  
She shrugged slightly,  
"Nothing. He and I we never...we never actually slept together. I lied...he was so...I wanted to hurt him, I never meant for it to go this far."  
She looked down again as Aaron felt the world around him stop. He could see her mouth moving but he heard nothing, his heart was banging in his chest, his skin prickling and before he could register what he was doing he was letting out a roar of anger and had her shirt in his hands as he slammed her against the wall,  
"YOU STUPID BITCH. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?"  
He slammed her against the wall again as she sobbed,  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"  
"HE COULD DIE. YOU DID THIS. ITS YOUR FAULT."  
Suddenly there were arms around him, pulling him back,  
"Get off! Get off me!"  
"Calm down, lad."  
He struggled against Cain, he wanted to grab her, to slam her against the brick of the wall and make her feel the pain that ripped through him,  
"GET OFF ME, I'M GONNA KILL HER."  
He pulled him away, gripping his arms as Rebecca cried,  
"Aaron I'm so sorry."  
Chas grabbed her, shoving her toward the door,  
"You need to leave. Now."  
Rebecca didn't argue, she turned and practically ran down the hallway, Chas turned to see Aaron doubled over, Cain still holding him as he sobbed. She clenched her jaw and turned on her heel, walking quickly down the hallway after Rebecca. She saw her enter the toilet and followed her in,  
"You."  
Rebecca turned around,  
"Chas I'm-"  
Chas didn't give her a chance to speak before she lifted her hand and slapped her hard across the face. Rebecca let out a gasp of surprise but before she could say anything else Chas slapped her again,   
"You bitch!"  
Chas grabbed her by the chin; forcing her to meet her eye,  
"I've seen a lot of shameful acts in my time, lady, but you? Lying about this? You disgust me."  
She dropped her hand and Rebecca cried louder,  
"Oh like he's so innocent? You have no idea what he was like to me!"  
Chas pushed her back,  
"I have no idea? I've seen the worst of that boy. The lowest of the low. He's no angel I know that, but he has been destroyed by this. And you had the power to stop it."  
Rebecca wiped her nose on the back of her hand and sniffed,  
"Destroyed? Nothing destroys him, he takes and he takes and he doesn't care about anyone else!"  
Chas grabbed the girl by her hair and yanked her over,  
"He is in a coma because he tried to kill himself because of you. You think he doesn't get destroyed? You made him think he was losing Aaron. Made him think his life was over."  
Rebecca whimpered, trying to get Chas off her,  
"But hurting him is nothing...nothing compared to hurting my boy. You broke his heart with your viscous lies."  
She yanked Rebecca's head back,  
"Now you're going to listen to me very, very carefully. You are going to leave. I don't just mean the hospital, I mean, leave. If you so much as LOOK at my family again, I will kill you myself."  
She pulled her hair tightly,  
"Do you understand?"  
"Yes! Yes!"  
Chas let her go, shoving her toward the sink,  
"I have to go clean up the mess you left behind."  
She fought the urge to spit on the woman, hate mingled with guilt ebbed through her as she left the toilet and headed back toward the family room.

"I can't believe it."  
Victoria had said it more than once. Chas had told them everything when they came back in; Aaron hadn't spoken. Couldn't bear to even think it through properly,  
"She lied about everything."  
He winced, he had hated him when he finally broke down and told him; he remembered it clearly, standing in the kitchen, Robert was crying. He never cried. Never let Aaron see that side of him, but he cried when he told him. When he admitted everything; words tumbling from his mouth in desperation, he didn't try and defend his actions, didn't lie, he laid it all out and Aaron told him to get out. He reached into his pocket, gripping the ring inside until it hurt. He wanted to hurt, wanted to swap places with Robert, wanted it to be his insides that were breaking down, wanted it to be his arms that were bleeding. He hated it, he hated every single stab that each fresh memory gave.   
"He was so sorry. So angry at himself..."  
He rubbed his face and stood up,  
"I told him to die...and he didn't do anything wrong."  
He sniffed and Chas reached for him,  
"No...no. Just..."  
He sighed,  
"I need some space."  
He left them there, turning the corner to leave the hospital before stopping and turning around. He walked to Robert's room and slipped in through the door. He stood at the end of the bed and gripped the rail; staring at the man for a solid minute before speaking,  
"She's not pregnant. Never was."  
He tapped his finger against the bed then stepped closer,  
"I um...I think Mum scared her away."  
He tried to smile but couldn't bring himself to do it. He sat gingerly on the edge of the bed and looked at the machines, watching them work for a moment then looking at Robert again.   
"I'm so sorry Rob."  
He reached over, pushing his fingers through the man's hair,  
"I'm sorry."  
His resolve crumbled, tears spilling from his eyes as he leant down and kissed Robert's head,  
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."  
He kissed his head again, whispering the words against Robert's skin,  
"I love you."  
He stood quickly, turning and leaving the room without looking back. He shoved his hands in his pockets and he left.

 _"Aaron? Where are you? Come back."  
"Aaron? Okay I don't know why you're not coming back but just...he's breathing on his own. They've taken the tubes out. He's still sleeping. Can you just...come back?"  
"Aaron? Can you just...call me back? Please? They're bringing him out of the coma today and I need you here. He needs you here. Please?"  
"Please don't let him wake up and you not be here."_  
Aaron hesitated before opening the door; having finally returned to the hospital after staying away for nearly a week. The guilt gnawing at him until he couldn't stand it. He couldn't sit by his side and act like he didn't feel blame. He reached for the handle and took a breath, he hadn't even planned to be there, had planned to keep his head down and steer clear. It had been Laurel that had talked him around, she'd found him on the bridge, they had talked; she had talked and he had listened. And now he was frozen outside the door leading to the ICU; terrified of what he'd find. He looked down, the silver of the ring he had slid back onto his finger was catching the light, shining brightly. He took a deep breath, pushing his own fears and guilt aside, and he opened the door.  
"Aaron?"  
Diane saw him as soon as he turned the corner; she climbed to her feet and walked over, putting her arms around him,  
"How are you?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"I'm fine. I'm...I'm fine."  
He rubbed his neck,  
"How is he?"  
Diane rubbed his arm,  
"They're bringing him out now."  
Aaron nodded,  
"I'm sorry."  
Diane smiled at him,  
"Doesn't matter. You're here now."   
Aaron swallowed, looking over toward the room,  
"Can I...?"  
Diane stepped aside, watching as Aaron headed to the door of Robert's room. He opened it slowly, giving a small smile to the nurse before looking at Victoria,  
"Vic-"  
"You remembered he exists then?"  
The nurse glanced at them both then continued checking his chart,  
"Vic..."  
"Save it. I'm not interested."  
She turned away, focusing on Robert as he slept. The nurse put the chart down,  
"I'll be back to check on him in a bit."  
She kept her head down and left them alone; Aaron waited a moment then stepped closer,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I just needed...to deal with this. I needed to let myself...I feel guilty as hell Vic. I do...and I needed to just let it out before I could come back and deal with...with him."  
Victoria looked at him then back at Robert,  
"He needs you Aaron. He needs all of us."  
Aaron nodded,  
"I know. And I'm here now."  
She paused for a moment then looked at him again,  
"You're wearing your ring."  
Aaron instinctively reached for it, turning it on his finger,  
"Felt right."  
She nodded, looking back at Robert again,  
"Here."  
She stood up,  
"I need the loo...stay with him."  
Aaron nodded, noting how she brushed forcibly past him as she left. He waited for the door to close then sat slowly down. He looked at the man; he hadn't seen him since he had the tubes removed. He had a cannula in his nose but the rest of his face was clear. He looked younger, Aaron noticed that straight away. The shadows under his eyes were fading but he still looked tired. He looked down at the man's hand, reaching for it, holding it gently,  
"Sorry I left."  
He looked away briefly then shrugged,  
"Don't really have an excuse...just...needed to breathe a bit."  
He looked at Robert,  
"But I'm here now. And I wanna help you-I'm gonna help you."  
Robert's hand twitched and Aaron froze,  
"Robert?"  
He twitched again, his chest rising as he took a few deep breaths. Aaron moved closer,  
"Rob? Hey?"  
The man moved his head slightly, he squeezed Aaron's hand and blinked his eyes open slowly,  
"Hey? Hey...Robert?"  
Robert's eyes searched the room before settling on Aaron's face,  
"Hi."  
Robert searched his face; confusion etched across his own,  
"Aaron?"  
Aaron grinned, tears building in his eyes,  
"Yeah. Yeah it's me."  
Robert took his hand back from Aaron and reached up to touch his face,  
"No."  
His face went from confusion to distress as he pulled his hand back and gripped his own hair,  
"No no no."  
Aaron leapt back as the door opened and the nurse came back in followed by Victoria,  
"Aaron?"  
"I don't know what happened he just started freaking out."  
The nurse was trying to calm him down as he broke down; pulling at the blankets and curling up on himself,  
"GET AWAY FROM ME. NO."  
"Robert? Robert it's okay. It's okay."  
Victoria tried to get to him only to have the doctor come in and ask them to leave. All they could do was to watch through the window as the doctors tried to calm the distraught Robert down.

A piercing sound in his ears and then brief silence; the light too bright against his closed eyes. He squeezed his hands, trying to force himself to wake up. He could hear Aaron, not the angry voice that had been plaguing his mind for weeks, it was softer, warmer, he was certain then. It had worked. He was dead. He felt a calm wash over him as he finally opened his eyes. All he saw was white. Confusion filled him, he didn't feel right. He looked over and saw him then, the sight of Aaron beside his bedside would once fill him with joy; but the sight in that moment broke his heart. He had failed. The one thing he had control over and he hadn't achieved it. He couldn't stop himself; couldn't stop screaming. He curled up on himself; disgust radiating through him. He hated himself, more than he'd ever hated himself before. He clawed at the tube running into his arm, a searing pain ripping through him as he screamed. The nurses were trying to hold him down, trying to calm him,  
"MUM. MUM I WANT MY MUM."  
Diane was in straight away; he threw himself into her arms,  
"It's okay, it's okay, son. It's okay."  
He sobbed; gripping her tightly as she rubbed his back,  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  
Diane held a hand up to the nurse as she came over, keeping her back as Robert wept.  
"You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. It's okay now. I'm here. It's okay."  
Robert couldn't speak. He could only hold her tighter as he broke down.

"That okay?"  
Robert nodded and the nurse smiled gently at him,  
"The mental health liaison will be here in about an hour. Until then just relax."  
He nodded again and she touched his shoulder gently before leaving the room.   
"She's nice."  
Robert didn't answer; he just kept staring at his own hands, Diane rubbed his leg and cocked her head,  
"You want to talk?"  
He didn't answer, just carried on staring at his hands,  
"Well...everyone is here. They've all been dead worried about you, love."  
Robert blinked, his mind going over and over everything that had happened,  
"Tell you what, the nurses here are so nice. Been giving us cups of tea and coffee."  
Robert ran his finger over the plastic bracelet on his wrist,  
"Aaron's outside. He's been here...since-well he bought you in."  
Robert pulled at the bracelet,  
"It's too tight."  
Diane reached over; putting her hand over his, stilling his movement,  
"Robert?"  
He looked at her, his eyes meeting hers for a moment then darting away,  
"It's okay now."  
He looked down at their hands,  
"No. It's not."  
He pulled his hand free, moved down the bed and rolled onto his side; turning his back on Diane and curling up on himself,  
"I'm tired."  
Diane gave a small smile, reaching over to touch his shoulder lightly as she stood up and kissed his head,  
"I'll come back in a bit."  
He didn't answer her; she kissed his head again and left as the first tear spilled from his eye.

"How is he today?"  
The ward was different to the last one. Aaron didn't like it; it was too quiet. He had gotten to know Robert's nurse quite well, he was there every minute he could be; not allowed in the room with him but could be in the waiting area. Victoria was his company half the time, Diane occasionally as well, but mostly it was the nurses.   
"He slept well. He was awake in the early hours but the night nurse with him said he was calm. She said he was talking which is good."  
Aaron nodded,  
"And now?"  
She nodded slightly,  
"He's in with the mental health doctor right now, but then I believe...Karen is on shift to be with him."  
Aaron looked over toward the room he was in then back to the nurse.   
"When can I see him?"  
She looked at him,  
"Come on Aaron, you know I'm not allowed to answer that. It's up to the doctors."  
Aaron nodded, looking down and tapping his fingers against the counter. The nurse glanced around then reached over to rub his arm,  
"He's okay."  
Aaron met her eye,  
"Yeah?"  
She hesitated,  
"I can't tell you anything he's said...but he's doing okay."  
She gave him a smile, he was grateful for that. She pulled her hand away as the door opened, returning her attention to the paperwork in front of her. Aaron looked over, standing straight as the doctor walked past. He looked back at the nurse and smiled,  
"Thanks."  
She gave him a warm smile before turning to grab another file. Aaron tapped the side again before turning and returning to the waiting area.

The doctor was talking to Diane when Aaron came back,  
"Hi?"  
Diane gave him a smile,  
"They're saying he can be moved to a regular ward tomorrow."  
Aaron felt his heart skip; he looked at the doctor,  
"Really?"  
The doctor nodded, looking down at his chart,  
"He's doing well. He's a long way from well, but we're confident he won't attempt to take his life again. We have him scheduled for counselling, and he will need support from everyone, but signs are he will be okay. We're keeping him in for a few more days to monitor the damage to his stomach and intestines after the overdose."  
Aaron glanced at Diane, the slight worry in her eyes matched Aaron's own anxiety twinges.   
"We have to tell him."  
The doctor frowned,  
"I'm sorry?"  
Diane sighed,  
"We have some news for him...it's a delicate issue but...I think it's best that we tell him with some support."  
The doctor nodded slowly,  
"Of course."  
He looked down at the chart,  
"We will arrange for tomorrow, before he's due to leave here."  
Diane nodded,  
"Is it okay to have his sister here as well?"  
The doctor nodded,  
"Of course. It's really great you know, all the support that he's had. Having you here everyday even though you can't see him."  
He was speaking to Aaron, giving him a slight nod,  
"We're all here for him. All of us."  
Diane spoke because Aaron couldn't; the guilt still hurt, still pulled at his skin. He looked away as the doctor began discussing rehabilitation with Diane, talking about sobriety, self care and therapy. Aaron swallowed hard, glancing around at the room at the end of the hall where Robert was, wishing he could be in there, praying that he knew that he was outside waiting for him. He smiled at the doctor as he left them alone, looking at Diane and nodding as she spoke. She left him there; heading outside to make a call. The ward was quiet; Aaron looked around again, seeing no nurses in sight he walked quickly down the hall, stopping outside the room. There was only a door, Roberts name written on the white board beside it,  
"Mr Robert Sugden. Suicide watch."  
The words sent a chill down his spine and he hesitated. Robert was on the other side of the door, he pictured him, curled up on his side in the bed as he had been in the previous ward. He hated seeing him like that, to see the man he knew as so strong reduced to a small boy in a hospital bed. He stared at the door; every fibre in him desperate to open it, to wrap the man in his arms and hold him. A noise down the hall startled him and he stepped away, rubbing his nose and keeping his head down as he left.

It was still dark when he opened his eyes, he could see the crack of light under the door, not enough to light the room, but enough to tell where he was. He had hoped it was all a dream; that he would wake up in his own room. Instead he was in a hard single bed, two sheets around him- he'd had to ask for another one after spending the first night shivering. The nurse watching him was sitting across the room, sat in the chair reading a book with the help of a small light attached to the spine. Sensing the eyes on her she looked up and smiled gently,  
"Everything okay?"  
He nodded, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling in silence for a few minutes before looking over at the woman again,  
"Aren't you tired?"  
She smiled as she met his eye,  
"I work nights. I'm used to it."  
He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment then pushed himself into sitting position. The nurse straightened as well,  
"You okay?"  
Robert leant over and turned the light on, swinging his legs around and sitting on the edge of the bed,  
"I'm not crazy."  
She put the book down,  
"No one said you are."  
He looked down at his hands,  
"Tried to kill myself."  
"You had your reasons."  
Robert scoffed, fingers twisting together,  
"Yeah..."  
He looked at the nurse,  
"They're letting me out tomorrow."  
She smiled,  
"I heard."  
She cocked her head,  
"It's good news Robert."  
He looked down and shrugged,  
"Still gonna be there isn't it? She's still gonna be there. The-"  
He rubbed his face, unable to say the words out loud,  
"Doesn't matter."  
The nurse stood up, walking over and sitting beside him,  
"Robert? Do you want me to fetch your doctor?"  
He pinched the bridge of his nose; tears pressing against his eyes as he shook his head. The nurse reached over, rubbing his back slowly,  
"Robert?"  
He shuddered a breath, dropping his hand then wiping his nose on his sleeve,  
"Sorry."  
She rubbed his back again,  
"I'm a nurse on the psychiatric ward, trust me love, a few tears in the middle of the night are nothing."  
He nodded, swallowing then looking at her,  
"I'm gonna be a dad."  
She raised her eyebrows,  
"Yeah? Congratualtio...oh...judging by your face I'm guessing that's not good news?"  
He shook his head,  
"You don't want to be a dad?"  
He looked down at the bracelet around his wrist,  
"The only thing in the world I want less than this child is Aaron getting hurt. Only thing is...because there is a child at all means I've failed at that."  
She rubbed his arm,  
"Who's Aaron?"  
He sniffed,  
"My husband."  
She frowned slightly then smiled,  
"You mean the brunette who refuses to leave the ward?"  
Robert sniffed,  
"Stubborn? Sounds like him."  
She nudged him with her shoulder,  
"He's handsome. You did well."  
Robert sighed,  
"Still screwed it up though didn't I?"  
He shrugged, pulling at the plastic bracelet,  
"He's done with me. He's here out of guilt. That's it. I'm...I'm nothing."  
The nurse huffed, cupping his chin and pulling him to meet her eye,  
"You shush now. You are not nothing."  
She gripped his shoulder as he sat in stunned silence,  
"You are a smart, kind man who just got a bit lost. And you're going to get out of here and you're going to make it right, because I've seen a lot of things in my time here. A lot. And I know when someone is putting on an act. And that boy out there? That's no act. He loves you. He wouldn't be here if he didn't."  
Robert couldn't speak; could only stare at the nurse in surprise until she pulled him over and hugged him,  
"Is this allowed?"  
She smiled at his question,  
"Only if I think I can trust the patient."  
Robert relaxed slightly in her arms before hugging her tightly. He couldn't remember the last time someone hugged him completely, no judgement or pity. The nurse rubbed his back,  
"You're going to be okay. I can see it in you."  
He wanted to believe her, more than anything he wanted to believe her. He pulled away, not wanting the embrace to end but knowing it had to at some point. He wiped his cheeks and swallowed,  
"I don't even know your name."  
She gave him a warm smile,  
"I'm Sarah."  
He raised his eyebrows in surprise,  
"That was my mum's name."  
She smiled at him, rubbing his arm slowly,  
"Well then...guess you have to listen to me then don't you?"  
He looked down at his hands, clenching them then looking out at the tiny window near the top of the room,  
"What time is it?"  
She checked her watch,  
"Just after five."  
He nodded,  
"I'm tired."  
Sarah climbed from the bed,  
"Get some rest. Big day tomorrow."  
He looked up at her,  
"What's going to happen?"  
She sat gingerly on the chair,  
"You'll have your doctor here, he'll talk to you about therapy and rehabilitation. Then you'll be taken to another ward where they'll keep an eye on you for a couple of days, you'll have some blood tests and other things. Then social care will talk to you and your family and then you'll be discharged."  
Robert swallowed,  
"Just like that?"  
She cocked her head slightly,  
"You'd want to stay longer?"  
He shrugged,  
"Haven't decided yet."  
Sarah sat back,  
"Sleep on it."  
He looked at her,  
"I'm not a bad person."  
Sarah smiled warmly,  
"I know."  
"How?"  
She shrugged,  
"A mother knows."  
Robert cracked a small smile, and nodded,  
"Right."  
He sighed, climbing back under the sheets and pulling them tight around himself,  
"Don't worry. You'll get better blankets tomorrow."  
He chewed his lip and nodded, letting out a long breath and finally closing his eyes.

"What if he can't handle it?"  
Victoria pushed her hands through her hair as she spoke; they were waiting outside the room, waiting for the doctor to finish talking to Robert before they could go in and break the news to him about Rebecca and what she had done.   
"If he doesn't take it well then we do what we have to do; be there for him."  
Victoria swallowed any nerves she had, pushing her hands through her hair once more and nodding,  
"Okay...where-where's Aaron?"  
"Here."  
She turned at his voice, relief flooding her body as she flung her arms   
"I thought you weren't going to show."  
Aaron gripped her,  
"Where else would I be?"  
He pulled away and looked at Diane,  
"We ready?"  
Diane shifted her coat in her hands,  
"Just waiting on the doctor now."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Have you seen him?"  
Victoria shook her head,  
"No...not yet. He's supposed-"  
She was interrupted as the doctor opened the door to Robert's room; walking out and stopping with a smile when he saw them waiting,  
"Good morning."  
Victoria was the first to speak, straightening her back and glancing at the door,  
"Is he okay?"  
The doctor nodded, stepping aside to let them pass,  
"He's doing well. Come on in."  
Aaron swallowed hard, nerves building in his stomach; he hadn't been face-to-face with the man since he freaked out after waking up. He could hear the others talking but he didn't really listen, instead he just followed them through into Roberts room.

Robert was sitting on the edge of the bed; staring down at his bare feet as they dangled a few inches from the floor. He looked up when the door opened; a small smile appearing on his face at the sight of Victoria,  
"Hi."  
She walked straight over and wrapped her arms around him; burying her face into his neck as he held her. He smiled at Diane as she pushed her fingers through his hair,  
"Hello, love."  
Victoria pulled away and cupped his face,  
"How are you?"  
He shrugged,  
"Okay."  
She took his hand in hers and sat beside him as he looked up at Aaron,  
"Hi."  
Aaron fought the urge to burst into tears and throw himself into Robert's arms, choosing instead to simply smile at him then step aside to allow the doctor in,  
"Robert, your family is here to talk to you."  
Robert turned to him then back to Diane as she sat in the chair,  
"Wha-why?"  
His face fell as he saw the looks on theirs,  
"What's wrong?"  
He looked at Aaron,  
"Is it Liv?"  
Victoria broke the silence first, her voice cracking,  
"Liv is fine. It's..."  
"What?"  
He huffed in annoyance,  
"Vic tell me!"  
Diane leant forward, her hands on Robert's knees,  
"Love, it's about Rebecca."  
Robert's face darkened and he looked down,  
"What about her?"  
Aaron felt sick, he wanted to leave, didn't want to think about it again. Victoria was on the verge of crying as she spoke,  
"Robert...she lied to you. To all of us."  
Robert frowned,  
"Lied? What about?"  
Victoria cupped his cheek with one hand as she gripped his hand with the other,  
"She's not pregnant Robert."  
He stared at Victoria; watching her lips move as she told him everything. He couldn't hear her; he couldn't hear anything apart from his own heartbeat and a piercing sound in his ears. He looked at Diane who was wringing her hands together then over at Aaron. He wasn't looking at him, his face etched with guilt; Robert felt sick. The words working their way through his head and making sense. He looked at Victoria again,  
"There's no baby?"  
She shook her head and he looked down; his head growing hot.   
"S-so what? What she lost it?"  
He could feel his palms sweating and he pulled his hand free and rubbed them on his thighs; he didn't want to hear that he was responsible for her miscarrying on top of everything else,  
"Rob?"  
He looked at her for a moment, the words she had spoken finally sinking in. He frowned,  
"Say that again."  
Victoria took a deep breath,  
"She was never pregnant...she lied Robert."  
The world seemed far away, moving in slow motion as his stomach twisted, his mouth began to water and he squeezed his eyes shut,  
"I'm gonna be sick."  
He started rocking closely, opening his eyes as he clenched his jaw,  
"I'm gonna be sick!"  
The doctor grabbed him a bowl; handing it to him just in time as he gagged and threw up. He couldn't breathe, his stomach emptied over and over into the cardboard bowl. He could feel someone's hand on him, could vaguely hear the doctors voice and then a woman. He kept his eyes squeezed shut. Only opening them when someone took the bowl and gave him a towel,  
"Lie down, sweetheart, it's okay."  
He shook his head,  
"No. No...NO!"  
He pushed his hands into his hair; doubling over and letting out a scream of frustration.  
"Bitch. Bitch...FUCK."  
He gripped his hair tightly; so tight it hurt, pulling him from that moment and back into the room,  
"I hate her. I HATE HER."  
He fell back into the bed,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
He covered his face with his hands; giving in to the tears and sobbing.

He fell asleep, he didn't realise until he blinked his eyes open to find himself tucked into the bed. He looked over and stilled at the sight of Aaron sitting beside him,  
"You stayed."  
Aaron smiled gently,  
"Course I did."  
Robert closed his eyes as Aaron pushed his hand through his hair, the sensation calming him until real life closed in and he felt his stomach drop. He opened his eyes and looked at the man again,  
"There's no baby."  
Aaron shook his head slowly,  
"No."  
Robert clenched his jaw to keep from crying before speaking again,  
"I didn't sleep with her."  
Aaron cupped his cheek,  
"You didn't."  
Robert turned his head to look up at the ceiling as he exhaled slowly,  
"She lied...about everything."  
Aaron looked down; heartbreak and anger fighting one another inside him,  
"Yeah she did."  
Robert turned his head to look at Aaron again,  
"I'm so sorry Aaron. I'm so sorry for all of this."  
Aaron gripped his hands, sniffing hard,  
"Don't...don't. It's okay-"  
"No it's not. It's not okay, I messed up so badly. I love you so much and I messed it up I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. Please don't hate me, please...please."  
Aaron pulled him in; holding him as the man sobbed in his arms,  
"It's okay...it's okay...it's okay."  
He pressed a kiss to Robert's head,  
"I'm not angry at you."  
He pulled back to look at him,  
"You listening? I'm not angry at you. And I do not hate you. Understand? I don't hate you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you."  
He pulled the man back in,  
"It's okay."  
He held him in his arms until the man visibly calmed before pulling away again, taking Roberts hands in his own,  
"I can't get the image of you on the ground out my head."  
Robert winced, he hadn't thought about Aaron finding him,  
"The second Vic came in, showed that letter..."  
He ignored the tears as they fell from his eyes, he needed to say it, needed to have Robert hear him,  
"I knew we were bad...I knew I was hard on you but I thought you'd shake it off, you're robert sugden you're supposed to be strong. You're supposed to be the strong one Robert. You're not meant to fall apart. Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you let me help you?"  
He gasped, his breath coming fast and hard,  
"You tried to kill yourself and you were alone. I would've been there for you. I would've listened. I would've helped. Why didn't you let me help?"  
Robert looked at him, his eyes glassy and red,  
"Because I broke you Aaron. I broke you and I hated myself and I couldn't stop...going over it. Again and again all the time and I needed it to stop. I needed it to shut up."  
Aaron frowned,  
"Needed what to shut up?"  
Robert jabbed a finger in the side of his head,  
"This. All my mistakes, you-you hurting, and-and her. I needed her to shut up and not be here because she was, with her smug smile and her-her hate and h-her face. I needed her to just shut up."  
He shook his head and looked down at his arms; Aaron's gaze followed and he swallowed hard,  
"That's why you hurt yourself?"  
Robert shit his eyes, squeezing them tight, his finger nails digging into his hand harder and harder until Aaron pulled it away,  
"Stop it."  
"I can't."  
Aaron gripped him,  
"Robert, stop-stop it."  
Robert snatched his hand back; leaving red scratch marks in its wake. Aaron rubbed his thumb over the marks,  
"Rob...Rob look at me."  
Robert looked at him reluctantly,  
"Why are you doing this?"  
His voice was small, a sound that broke Aaron's heart clean in two,  
"Because I deserve it."  
Aaron was stumped, he couldn't take his eyes from the man, staring into his and seeing how much he believed his own words made him feel sick,  
"You didn't cheat on me."  
Robert pushed his head back into the pillow and clenched his jaw,  
"Robert...you didn't cheat-"  
"But I did. I called her. I had every intention of doing it."  
He met Aaron's eye,  
"I wanted to hurt you. I was gonna sleep with her because it would've hurt you."  
Aaron looked down, taking a moment before looking him in the eye again,  
"Why are you telling me this?"  
Robert swallowed the lump in his throat and shrugged slightly,  
"Because you're gonna forgive me. I can see it. You feel bad because of what I did and you're gonna forgive me. I don't deserve it. I hurt you. That's it."  
Aaron looked down at their hands; his wedding ring shining under the harsh hospital lights.  
"We're married Rob...we're supposed to be able to work things out."  
Robert looked at him,  
"And you can? If I hadn't tried to kill myself you would've still found it in yourself to forgive this?"  
Aaron ran his thumb slowly over the red skin of Robert's hand,  
"I never stopped loving you. Not for a second. I was...I was angry."  
He looked at Robert,  
"This would've come out in the end. And I would've worked through it. You and me...we've been through too much for this to ruin us."  
Robert blinked, sending an ignored tear down his cheek,  
"Robert?"  
He pulled his hand free and rolled over, turning his back to Aaron,  
"I'm tired."  
Aaron stared at him in confusion,  
"Oh...okay."  
He took his hand back before standing up,  
"I'll um...I'll come back later."  
Robert didn't answer him. He stepped away then turned back; looking at the man in the bed,  
"I'm not giving up. I'm not letting you go."  
He moved closer, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the man's head,  
"I love you."  
Robert squeezed his eyes shut, his body stiffening until he heard the man leave.

Victoria wouldn't stop talking. It was guilt, he knew that, she was guilty that she never noticed what he was doing. That's why she wouldn't leave, why she was always sitting by his bed, gripping his hand and constantly saying how much she loved him. It didn't help. Robert still felt empty. He would smile and nod, make her feel better then fall into nothingness until he could sleep. Days went past, Aaron was in and out, talking to him about everything, telling him about the world outside the hospital. The world he would have to go back to soon.   
"Liv's coming this afternoon."  
He nodded; he hadn't thought of Liv. He'd figured she hated him as much as he hated himself. He looked down at the plate of food they'd put before him, pushing mystery shaped meat around with the fork before dropping it and sitting back,  
"You need to eat, Rob."  
Victoria's warm voice and gentle touch didn't help. He wanted to scream; people kept pushing down on him until he couldn't breathe. His body ached for a cut, a stab, a burn. He took a deep breathe,  
"Tastes like shit."  
Aaron smirked at that,  
"That's hospital food for you. We can...bring you something else?"  
 _"A razor blade."_  
He wanted it, wanted to feel something other than the crippling emptiness that devoured him every second of every day.  
"Rob?"  
He looked up at Aaron's face,  
"Uh...no. No it's fine. I'm not hungry."  
He pushed the table away gently and climbed from the chair, walking back to the bed and sitting on the edge. Aaron and Victoria looked at each other for a moment,  
"So..."  
He glanced over,  
"My doctor will be here in a bit."  
He wanted them to go, he wanted the room to be silent. Aaron nodded,  
"We'll leave you for a bit."  
He gave Victoria a pointed look and stood up,  
"We'll come back to see you later."  
He forced a smile to his face as Victoria cupped his cheek and kissed his head,  
"Love you."  
He nodded,  
"You too."  
Aaron stepped into her place and gripped his shoulder,  
"See you in a bit yeah?"  
He nodded then looked down, not seeing how Aaron's face fell before he left the room.

There was a thread loose on the bottom sheet. Robert had been picking at it for nearly ten minutes when the door opened, he turned his head and sat up as the nurse walked in,  
"Got a visitor for you."  
He looked around her and for the first time in a while, couldn't help the smile at the sight of Liv,  
"Hi."  
She moved around the nurse, dumping the bag she was carrying on the floor and practically leapt into his arms; hugging him tightly. He hugged her back; one hand tangled in her long hair and the other gripping her shirt. He closed his eyes and pushed his nose into her shoulder, breathing in her smell and holding her until she pulled away. She wiped her cheeks,  
"Are you okay?"  
He nodded, taking her in, about to open his mouth and ask her the same when she punched him in the arm,  
"Ah! What the hell?"  
She pushed him,  
"It's not enough that I nearly lose one brother I have to nearly lose you too?"  
He rubbed his arm,  
"I thought you hated me. That it wouldn't matter. That really hurt."  
She sat back,  
"Sorry. Sort of. You're an idiot. And I don't...hate you. Not now."  
Her eyes landed on the marks that littered his arms, Robert folded them, hiding them from view and shifted,  
"Why not now? Take it you know what happened?"  
She sucked in a breath,  
"Everyone kinda knows...Chas sort of...lost it in front of everyone."  
Robert scoffed,  
"Great. Can't wait for that."  
Liv shrugged,  
"She was defending you. If it helps?"  
Robert raised an eyebrow,  
"Really?"  
"Lawrence was in chatting about how sad Rebecca is and Chas just lost it. It was hilarious."  
She smirked then looked at him; smirk disappearing,  
"Sorry."  
He looked down and chewed his lip before meeting her eye,  
"I'm so sorry, Liv. For everything."  
Liv frowned,  
"You're in hospital Robert...I think you're forgiven."  
He swallowed,  
"I wrote you a letter."  
She nodded,  
"I know. Vic told me."  
"Did you read it?"  
She shifted, leaning back against the rail at the end of the bed,  
"No. She hid them I reckon. Was it good?"  
Robert looked at her for a moment,  
"It...was a suicide note, Liv."  
She smirked then looked down,  
"Right...sorry."  
He reached over for her hand,  
"I promise...it wasn't because of you. I hated knowing it would hurt you. You're-you're my little sister Liv. I love you."  
Liv squeezed his hand and then lifted her head, wiping tears away,  
"Soft touch."  
He smiled gently,  
"Come here."  
She moved over, wrapping her arms around him and closing her eyes as he held her close, rubbing her back slowly,  
"I'm sorry Liv."  
"I'm sorry too."  
She gripped him; holding onto him as he kissed her head and closed his own eyes as well.

"Oh! I got you stuff."  
Robert sat up further,  
"You did?"  
She grabbed the bag from the floor and dumped it on the bed,  
"I did some research online about all this and they all said that you need stuff that makes you happy."  
Robert bit his lip as she opened the bag,  
"Here's your book. You left it at ours."  
She handed it to him; he took it and nodded, he had left it on the sofa the night before the argument. Next out was an iPod,  
"I talked to Vic and she said that your mum used to listen to Carole King so I uploaded some of that. And some of your music and then some of mine because unlike yours it's actually good. Plus I got some playlists for relaxation and I figured you'd need to chill."  
He smirked and took it from her,  
"Thanks. I think."  
She nodded again and pulled a book from the bag, handing it to him without a word,  
"Colouring...for adults. Really?"  
She shrugged,  
"Supposed to be good for anxiety. And it's not just colouring, there's like crosswords and stuff."  
He pulled a face,  
"Fancy."  
He looked at her, voice twinged with amusement,  
"No colouring pencils?"  
She clicked her tongue and reached into the bag again,  
"Here."  
She handed him her pencil case, he took it slowly and turned it in his hands,  
"Liv?"  
"Yeah?"  
He handed it back to her,  
"This is your school stuff. I'm not taking it."  
She pushed it back toward him,  
"The school won't mind if they're for my crazy brother."  
He raised his eyebrows,  
"Cheers for that."  
She huffed a breath,  
"You know what I mean."  
She pushed the pencil case back toward him,  
"Take it."  
He held it in his hands, looking down at the faded fabric,  
Thanks."  
She chewed her lip,  
"I..I made you something as well."  
He looked up,  
"Yeah?"  
She reached into the bag and pulled out an envelope,  
"Here, whatever."  
He smiled gently as he took it from her,  
"Not gonna explode is it?"  
She laughed,  
"No. But open the pencil case slowly, cos that does."  
He smiled, looking down at it then pulling a thick card from it,  
"Wow...it's uh...glittery."  
She shrugged,  
"Glitter makes people happy. You have depression."  
Robert snorted,  
"It's uh...something."  
He opened it to find a piece of paper folded inside,  
"What is it?"  
Liv wasn't looking at him, focusing instead to fiddle with the strap of her bag,  
"Liv?"  
She sighed,  
"Just read it, yeah?"  
He watched her for a moment then unfolded the page to find a long list,  
"What is this?"  
Liv climbed from the bed and sat on the chair,  
"It's a list."  
Robert looked from the paper to her face,  
"I can see it's a list."  
She raised her eyebrows,  
"Then why ask?"  
He smirked,  
"What's it a list of, smart arse?"  
She shrugged,  
"Reasons. Not to kill yourself."  
He felt a lump form in his throat,  
"Oh."  
His eyes scanned the list; various lines jumping out at him,  
"You've never skydived?"  
Liv shrugged,  
"You haven't."  
He glanced at her then looked down at the list again,  
"This one just says Game Of Thrones."  
She sat back,  
"There's gonna be a new series. You can't miss it."  
He nodded slowly and read further down,  
"You make the best Chilli. Aw, thanks."  
He bit his lip and turned the page over, eyes darting then stopping at one sentence halfway down,  
"You're my brother and I need you."  
He felt the lump form in his throat again and he coughed before taking a breath,  
"Liv..."  
He looked at her,  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
She met his eye slowly,  
"You can't promise that."  
He put the list down and shifted on the bed; Liv took the hint and climbed on beside him, nestling up to his side and slinging an arm over his middle,  
"I know I'm not well...but I'm going to get better. Okay? I'm not leaving you."  
He hugged her tightly, pressing a kiss to her head,  
"I won't leave you either."  
He held her close as she gripped his shirt and looked up at him,  
"I promise."   
He smiled, pressing another kiss to her head and picking the list back up again.

Robert woke with a start; remnants of a dream still bright in his mind. He shifted on the bed and looked over at the open door of his room; the hallway dimly lit with the buzzing fluorescent lights. He pushed himself up and swung his legs from the bed. He sat for a few moments before leaving the bed and padding from the room. The hallway was quiet, he presumed it was late, the nurses were all busy or on a break. He walked to the station in the middle of the ward and looked around; not sure of what to do next, he hadn't made a plan before he moved. He peered over the station and chewed his lip as he leant against the wood,  
"Robert?"  
The gentle voice was loud in the nights silence, making him jump and turn around. The nurse was young, with a sweet smile and a mild manner,  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."  
Robert cleared his throat,  
"No...no it's fine."  
She put the clipboard she was carrying down and smiled at him,  
"Everything okay?"  
He folded his arms and nodded,  
"Yeah...just can't sleep."  
She rubbed his arm,  
"You nervous about going home tomorrow?"  
Robert looked down, shuffling in the spot then shrugging,  
"Just...wanted to talk to someone."  
The nurse took her hand back,  
"Do you want me to find your doctor? I think she might be on call."  
Robert shook his head then stopped,  
"In the other ward...I had a nurse called-called Sarah. Can I talk to her?"  
She glanced around,  
"Uh...that I don't know."  
She took a look at Roberts fallen face and sighed,  
"Come on. Let's get you back to bed...I'll call down and see what I can sort out."  
She led him back to the room, settling him in and leaving him to his thoughts.

He was staring at the ceiling when the door opened again, he looked up and smiled as Sarah walked in,  
"Hello again. Heard you wanted to talk to me."  
He sat up properly,  
"Yeah...sorry I hope you don't mind."  
Sarah sat in the chair beside the bed and smiled at him,  
"Not at all. I'm finished for the night anyway."  
Robert rubbed his face,  
"I'm keeping you from going home-"  
She stopped him with a hand held up,  
"It's fine. You wanted to talk."  
She reached over and took his hand,  
"What's wrong sweetheart? You should be bouncing off the walls, getting out of here."  
He looked at her,  
"What if I can't do it?"  
"Can't do what?"  
He shrugged,  
"This. All of it...pretending everything is okay."  
He looked down at their hands,  
"Aaron's going to forgive me. And he's going to move on."  
Sarah frowned,  
"That's good isn't it? You wanted to be forgiven?"  
He looked away and let out a long breath as Sarah frowned,  
"How did this happen anyway? Him forgiving you?"  
Robert sniffed,  
"That girl I got pregnant? Turns out...turns out she's not. She lied. We didn't even...you know."  
He sat back and Sarah fell silent for a moment before speaking,  
"So why are you so upset? You didn't want the child, you didn't hurt your husband. Life can go back to normal, right?"  
He looked over at her,  
"I don't-I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have everything turn out okay."  
"Why?"  
He looked at her then took his hand back,  
"This was a mistake, I'm sorry."  
She grabbed his arm,  
"Keep talking."  
She moved, sitting on the bed instead,  
"Come on."  
He clenched his jaw then looked down,  
"I'm not a good person."  
He met her eye slowly,  
"I was supposed to die...that would've made it okay."  
Sarah clicked her tongue,  
"That's ridiculous. Robert..."  
She sighed,  
"You deserve another chance, fix it with your husband. He wants that. He wouldn't be here constantly if he didn't."  
She rubbed his arm slowly,  
"Don't you want to be with him?"  
Robert put his head back,  
"More than anything. I want him back. I want us to be okay again but I know I don't deserve it, it's my fault that it all went wrong. I broke his heart."  
Sarah shuffled closer, pulling him in and hugging him,  
"It's going to be okay. Okay? I promise it's going to be okay."  
Robert squeezed his eyes shut and hugged her tightly,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this."  
Sarah pushed her fingers through his hair,  
"Don't be silly."  
She pulled back,  
"Now listen to me...any time you want to talk to me you can. Here..."  
She dug into her pocket and pulled a card out,  
"This is my number. You call me whenever you want."  
He took the card and looked down at it,  
"Why are you being so nice to me?"  
She clasped her hands,  
"I have a son your age, and I couldn't bear it if he was left alone feeling how you do. That and I've always had a weakness for blondes."  
She nudged his arm, grinning,  
"That was a joke by the way. You can laugh."  
He breathed one out, looking over at her and taking her hand,  
"Your son is lucky. Having you."  
She nodded,  
"I agree."  
He smiled and looked down at the card,  
"Thank you."  
She rubbed his back,  
"Get some rest, big day tomorrow."  
He gave a small smile,  
"Yeah."  
She pulled him into one last hug before climbing to her feet and looking toward the door,  
"Go home to your family Robert. Put all this behind you and start again. You're allowed to be happy."  
Robert nodded,  
"Okay."  
Sarah smiled softly,  
"Go on. Get some sleep."  
She headed to the door, hand on the handle when Robert spoke up,  
"Thank you."  
Sarah turned and smiled at him,  
"Any time sweetheart."  
Robert watched her leave, waiting for a few minutes before putting the card on the nightstand and pulling the covers up around himself to try and get some sleep.

"Vic I'm fine. I'm not sick."  
She had been fussing all morning, ever since they picked him up. Constantly asking him if he was okay, making him drinks, getting him blankets; driving him insane until he had to snap,  
"Vic! Just...I'm okay."  
He took her hand,  
"Thank you. But I'm okay."  
She nodded,  
"Sorry...sorry I just...want you to be comfortable."  
He smiled gratefully at her,  
"I am. I am, you're...amazing."  
He wet his lips and glanced around,  
"I just...hey, can you get me a cuppa?"  
Her face lit up,  
"Yeah! Yeah sure I can."  
He smiled,  
"Maybe some biscuits?"  
She froze,  
"I'll have to go to the shop."  
He shrugged,  
"Go. Honestly, Vic I'm okay. I'm gonna have a sleep."  
She hesitated and he let out a laugh,  
"Vic stop worrying. I'm not gonna hang myself as soon as you leave. I'm okay."  
She scoffed,  
"You're right. You're right I'm sorry."  
She turned,  
"I'll be back soon as I can."  
Robert waved her away,  
"Take your time. Honestly. It's fine. If I get I have...Liv's colouring books."  
She sighed,  
"I'll be back fast as I can."  
She leant down and kissed his head,  
"I'm glad you're home."  
He nodded,  
"Me too."  
She gave him one last look then grabbed her purse and headed out, leaving him alone in the house. He put his head back and exhaled deeply, closing his eyes for a moment and cherishing the silence around him. He couldn't explain the feelings he had, the strange awkwardness that came from being in a house he never thought he'd see again, mingled with the embarrassment he had been feeling since he woke up and realised he had failed. He didn't like it, but he couldn't remember what it felt like to feel normal. He climbed from the sofa and walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking in; Victoria had bought enough food for an army. He closed the door, not actually hungry. He leant against it and looked around the kitchen; rubbing his fingers along his arm slowly. He pushed himself from the counter, walking to the bookshelf and running his finger along the cook books; faint memories of them being in the kitchen when he was a child coming to mind. He looked around, noticing the knife block. One was missing. He frowned slightly, it seemed off. He stepped closer, almost touching the space where a knife should be only to remember where it was. He stepped back, turning and heading from the kitchen, up the stairs, to the back room where he had slept. He opened the door slowly, he hadn't been in the room since the morning he tried to end it. The bed was different, fresh sheets and a new throw; as though decorating would make everything better. He walked to the side, sitting gingerly and reaching over to open the drawer of the bedside table. He looked down at the mess he had left, wondering why it hadn't been found. Blood soaked tissues, a half empty box of plasters, a pad of paper, a pen, painkillers, and underneath it all, the blood stained knife. He swallowed hard, shoving the drawer shut and pushing his hands through his hair. He let out a long breath and stood up, rubbing his face and walking over to the chest of drawers, pulling a drawer open randomly to find his clothes neatly folded. He closed it again, everything feeling too tidy. He looked around the room then stopped,  
"The letters."  
Curiosity filled him, he wanted them back. A sense of urgency taking over as he opened drawers, searching through them and slamming them shut when he found nothing. He left the room and headed to Victoria's, searching her drawers until he found them, shoved under several blankets. He held them in his hands, moving the envelopes to read the names,  
"Diane, Liv, Chas, Sarah, Jack, My child."  
He stared down at the letter; his eyes blurring as he thought about writing it, the words he had etched onto the paper were all lies. He stared down at the envelope and felt sick. He felt his chest clench painfully, air becoming thin around him. The urge to cut became like a thirst. An itch he couldn't reach, he needed to get out, needed air, needed to fill his lungs until they burned. He pushed himself from the bed, running from the room and down the stairs; wrenching the door open and stumbling out into the small front garden. The brick wall stopped him; he gripped it, gasping for breath, the piercing sound building in his ears again,  
"No no no no no."  
He pushed his hands into his hair- not an easy feat with envelopes in his hands. He felt sick, his nails digging into his scalp to try and cause the flash of pain that would steady him,  
"No...no...stop. Stop. Stop it."  
He pushed his hands against the brick and squeezed his eyes shut, finding it harder to breathe. His skin prickled, heat flooding him as he gasped for breath,  
"Robert?"  
He shook his head, over and over,  
"Ah...No. Stop it stop it stop it."  
The world was screaming, a piercing sound in his ears that he couldn't silence. He pulled his hands down, gasping for breath as he dug his nails hard into his forearm, dragging them hard; only to have his hand pulled away,  
"Woah, Robert, stop. Stop. Look at me."  
He couldn't focus, his knees giving out and falling hard on the ground.   
"Robert? Look at me, son."  
He gasped for breath, clutching his chest with one hand and the persons arm with the other,  
"Just breathe. Just breathe."  
Robert tried; panic filling him as he couldn't get the air in that he needed,  
"A-Aaron?"  
He lifted his head and gasped,  
"Aaron?"  
"It's me, it's Bob, Son. Just breathe. Just breathe."  
Robert dropped his hand from his chest and grabbed Bob's other arm,  
"Help-help me. Help me."  
Bob nodded,  
"It's okay. It's okay. Just breathe with me. In and out."  
He kept Robert's eye, gesturing to help him get into the rhythm,  
"There you go. There you go."  
Robert gripped him tightly, chest heaving as he tried to calm himself to get air into his lungs. He tried to focus on the man before him, barely hearing his voice over the ringing in his ears, he didn't notice Aaron run over, didn't notice Bob moving out of the way so Aaron could grip Robert, he didn't know he was there until his arms were around him, holding him tightly,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
He was shaking, his hands moving fast as he gripped him,  
"I can't. I can't do this. I can't do this."  
He pushed his face into the soft material of Aaron's hoodie, the familiar smell making him weak,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
Aaron didn't speak; his grip on Robert tightening as the man shook; gasping for shuddering breaths. He rubbed his back as he felt the man's breathing slow,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
Robert pulled away slowly,  
"Aaron?"  
He cupped the back of his neck, his other hand holding Robert's wrist loosely,  
"Yeah...yeah it's me. Hey?"  
Robert fixed his gaze on Aaron's face,  
"You're here."  
Aaron glanced around then leant in, pressing a kiss to Robert's forehead,  
"Come on...come on. Let's go in."  
He pulled at the man, looking around again and then cupping Robert's cheeks,  
"Hey?"  
Robert swallowed and met his eye again,  
"You're okay. We're going in."  
Aaron turned to Bob,   
"Help me get him in."  
Together they lead the man inside the house; Aaron constantly talking to him until they were sitting on the sofa. Robert's head in his hands, shuddering breaths coming from him. Aaron turned to Bob,  
"Can you grab him some water?"  
He turned back to Robert,  
"Hey? Robert? Look at me."  
Robert lifted his head slowly, looking over at Aaron, his face crumbled immediately as he burst into tears; Aaron pulled him over, hugging him tightly and kissing his head,  
"You're okay now. You're okay. I'm here. I'm here now."  
He kissed his head and held him,  
"I'm here."

Robert opened his eyes slowly and rolled onto his back. He knew he must've slept for a while; the sky outside now dark. He sat up slowly, listening out for life, feeling himself relax slightly as he heard the TV downstairs. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them, looking around the room for a moment then reaching over for his phone.

_R- You still here?_

He put the phone down and hugged his knees again, waiting for a reply when a knock at the door made him start,  
"Robert?"  
He dropped his legs,   
"Come in."  
The door opened and Aaron walked in, holding his phone up,  
"Got your message. You okay?"  
Robert sat back against the wall, gesturing for him to sit down,  
"Yeah...I just...wanted to talk."  
Aaron sat down slowly,  
"You alright?"  
Robert stared at him for a few moments,  
"I'm sorry, Aaron. For everything."  
Aaron reached out, instinctively covering Roberts hand with his own,  
"I told you-"  
"Yeah...you're gonna forgive me."  
Robert looked down, frowning at the sight of Aaron's ring,  
"Why though? Why forgive me? Why not just...cut your losses and go?"  
Aaron swallowed hard,  
"I love you. And you're right. I should. I should turn my back and go but I can't. I love you Robert. Despite everything...I love you. And that's enough for me."  
Robert sniffed and looked at him,  
"I didn't wanna do it. I didn't wanna break your heart. I'm not excusing what I did-"  
"You didn't actually do anything, though."  
He looked at him,  
"Of course I did."  
He wet his lips,  
"Aaron you were-are...the best thing that I have ever done. Having you? That's the best decision. Being with you was one good thing I had and I threw it away because I...I'm an idiot."   
He looked at their hands and exhaled slowly,  
"I'm not well. Today proved that."  
He sat up straighter,  
"I'm not well but I'm going to be."   
He nodded,  
"And I'm going to get you back."  
Aaron's eyes moved over him, taking in every last inch of his face as Robert lifted his eyes. He put a hand on the back of the man's head and pulled him in, pressing the smallest of kisses to his lips. Robert felt weak, like a man dying of thirst having his first drink. His eyes stayed open- needing to know it was real, it was him. Aaron pulled away slowly, pressing his forehead to Roberts,  
"You already have me. Okay? I'm here."  
Robert gripped Aaron's t-shirt,  
"I honestly thought that it was the right thing to do."  
Aaron nodded,  
"I know. I know you did."  
Robert swallowed the lump that built in his throat,  
"I love you, Aaron."  
Aaron smiled; pulling him in and hugging him,  
"I love you too."  
Robert wrapped his arms around him, burying his face into his neck and closing his eyes.

"You sure you're ready?"  
Robert sighed,  
"I can't stay in the house forever. Okay? I need to actually...get out at some point."  
Aaron rubbed his back,  
"You get out."  
Robert rolled his eyes as they headed toward the cafe,  
"Going to therapy doesn't count as getting out."  
Aaron chuckled, opening the cafe door and letting Robert in,  
"Fair enough."  
He trailed behind him,  
"I'll treat you to a....Robert?"  
The man was frozen; eyes wide and heart beating fast. Aaron touched his arm,  
"Rob?"  
He turned his head, his face falling when he saw what had taken Roberts attention. He gripped Robert's hand,  
"Come on. We'll go."  
Robert couldn't move, he was staring at her,  
"Rebecca."  
She turned her head at the sound of her name and immediately climbed to her feet. "Robert."  
Aaron glanced around, stepping closer to him as though prepared to hold him back. The room was tense, everyone falling silent as the two stared at each other. Robert felt sick, he wasn't prepared for it, for seeing her. She was wringing her hands as she stepped closer,  
"Robert...look-"  
"Why?"  
She raised her eyebrows,  
"Sorry?"  
He shook his hand away from Aaron,  
"I just wanna know why?"  
She looked down then met his eye,  
"Robert...I am...I'm sorry-"  
"I don't care about your sorry, I just want to know why."  
She looked around, visibly uncomfortable; hesitating before answering,  
"REBECCA!"  
She jumped; as did others, the place deadly silent,  
"I just-I wanted to...you hurt me so much and I wanted..."  
"To get me back?"  
She wiped her cheeks,  
"You have to believe I never thought it would lead to you..."  
He rubbed his face,  
"So you wanted to hurt me? Why not just stick with the lie about sleeping together? I wouldn't have known, Aaron probably would've left me anyway. Why the baby?"  
She looked up at the ceiling then back at him,  
"Because you made me get rid of ours."  
Robert swallowed; not caring that everyone in the place heard.  
"So you decide to completely wreck my life? Do you have any idea how bad it got? How much I hated myself?"  
Aaron tugged at his sleeve,  
"Robert come on, let's just go."  
He looked at Aaron for a moment then back at Rebecca,  
"I wrote it a letter. Did you know that? Apologising for not being there, for not being strong enough. I felt bad-"  
He stopped, refusing to get emotional in front of her,  
"I felt so bad that I was letting down my child. And it didn't even exist."  
He jabbed a finger into the side of his head,  
"Do you have any idea what that's done? Knowing none of it had to happen?"  
She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, tears falling from her eyes,  
"I'm sorry."  
He scoffed,  
"Whatever I did to you...you've done worse. This was cruel."  
"Robert-"  
He stepped back,  
"Go to hell."  
He turned, walking to the counter and gripping the side tightly, head dipped until he heard Bobs voice,  
"You okay, son?"  
He looked up and nodded,  
"Yeah."  
He didn't see her leave, only heard the door slam and Chrissie's voice,  
"For what it's worth...I'm glad you're okay."  
He looked over at her,  
"Thanks."  
She gave him a small smile, picking up her bag and following Rebecca from the cafe. Robert let out a long breath, an almost laugh coming from him as Aaron rubbed his back,  
"Okay?"  
He stood straight and sniffed,  
"Will be."  
He looked at Bob,  
"Bacon sandwich?"  
Bob grinned,  
"That I can do. Two of them?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"Coffee too."  
Bob nodded toward the tables,  
"Go sit down. I'll bring them over."  
Aaron smiled at him, leading Robert to a table and sitting heavily.  
"I'm shaking."  
Robert held a hand up, meeting Aaron's eye,  
"I really wanna..."  
He clenched his fist and put his hand down, squeezing his eyes shut and muttering under his breath,  
"Do you wanna go home?"  
He shook his head,  
"No. No."  
He sat back and rubbed his face,  
"Was I too harsh?"  
Aaron smirked,  
"That's a joke right? Robert she..."  
He trailed off when he saw Robert's expression of worry,  
"No...no you weren't too harsh."  
He reached under the table and squeezed Robert's knee,  
"You're doing great."  
Robert nodded, looking up at Bob as he put the coffees down on the table,  
"There you go lads."  
"Thanks Bob."  
He squeezed Robert's shoulder,  
"Good to see you out and about."  
Robert smiled,  
"Cheers."  
Aaron didn't take his eyes off Robert the whole time, taking him in,  
"I'm proud of you."  
Robert met his eye and cleared his throat,  
"Yeah...day at a time right?"  
Aaron grinned, giving Robert's knee a squeeze and then reaching for his drink,  
"One day at a time."

THREE MONTHS LATER

The music was calming; Liv had been right. The playlist he was listening to was nearly sending him to sleep. Aaron had left him in the early afternoon, he had taken him to therapy and then waited for him, taking him back to Victoria's and sitting with him for a while. Robert had sent him out to get shopping, he was spending the night at the Mill. He had been for a few weeks, one night a week, then two, slowly putting his and their life back together. He yawned, having the therapy session had worn him out. He lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with the earphones in; his mind going over everything. He felt a lightness he hadn't felt in a long time, a weight off his shoulders. He closed his eyes, focusing only on the sounds in his ears. The therapy session had gone well, he had been able to talk about everything, about the letters, about Rebecca, about Aaron.   
_"Do you still want to hurt yourself?"  
"Sometimes. At night especially. Will it go away?"  
"Eventually. Maybe not completely but it'll fade. You'll be able to cope."  
"I can. With Aaron I can."  
"You two are officially back together now?"  
"Kind of. Taking it slow. I still hurt him."  
"You'll be okay."_  
He could feel himself falling asleep, the warmth from the sun against the window and the gentle strumming of the guitar in the song relaxing him. He found himself smiling, he would be okay. It would take time, but he would be able to put the once broken pieces back together again. He thought of Aaron, thought of waking up next to him, of going out on a date with him, of kissing his lips and holding him. He clasped his hands together on his stomach, feeling the cool metal of his wedding ring, he wasn't lost anymore, wasn't guilty, wasn't scared, he was still unwell; but he wasn't broken now.


End file.
